Getting Married? Try this....

So, I've been hearing alot about marriage lately. My best friend is working out his wedding plans, a few friends are attending  weddings and basically all of creation is consumed with the prospect of nuptials. I'm sure it's because I'm married now, but it seems like all married people talk to other married people about is being or getting married. It's marriage-palooza.

Anyway, I was asked to comment on attending a wedding or funeral for someone I don't know. Since funerals are a complete waste of time and fundamentally useless to me, I'll do the married guy thing and talk about weddings.

A wedding is a joyous occasion in which family, friends and strangers gather together to be completely miserable and pretend to like each other for a few hours for the sake of a couple of people who won't even have the time to notice or care that you are there. That being said, they can be fun if done correctly.

I like going to weddings for people you don't know or barely know. That way there is no pretense. Everybody there knows that your just there to throw a toaster at the bride/groom, eat free food and then bow out and go do something enjoyable with your time, so you don't have to worry about anything.

As I mentioned, weddings can be fun though. If you have the right people getting married in the right place, it's a blast. Best weddings are usually thrown by Jews, Mexicans and anyone willing to go to Vegas. In my humble, yet all important opinion, weddings shouldn't be formal occasions. Your supposed to be celebrating. There will be enough suffering after you're actually married, so there is no reason to put yourself out anyone else through an entire day of stress and drudgery to get things started.

The Opening Salvo.....

It has begun.

The Salt Lake Comic Con began today and oh boy, what a way to start.

From the moment I got in line to the moment I left I was grinning from ear to ear. I know there are a few people who read this who will never understand how great this whole thing really is for someone like me, but I will do my best to explain.

I am a passionate man, but I'm also a reserved and logical one. So for me to be completely immersed in something that means so much to me and to be in the presence of such talent and enthusiasm is one of the purest forms of joy I will ever be able to experience and few things will ever measure up to it.

There is no way to describe how it feels to see so many people gathered together to celebrate nothing more or less than unbridled imagination. This is not about dressing up like your favorite character or meeting a celebrity from an old TV show or movie. This is about basking in one of the most fundamental building blocks of the human experience. Everyone dreams, everyone wants to escape and everyone wants to be something more than they are and this convention is about the unapologetic embrace of those desires. There were people there today from every walk of life and of every age and they all had the same gleam of wonder in their eyes.

A lot of people it seems think that we are walking around in a make believe fantasy world or that we can't cope with real life. But the truth of the matter is that most people who are truly passionate about these "geeky" things simply understand that real is whatever we want it to be.

Sure, it's fun to dress up and the sense of community is nice and it's pretty neat to see famous people and meet childhood icons. But for me, the real fun comes from knowing that I am in a place where reality is elastic, among people who look at the world like a blank canvas or an empty page and understand that all they have to do is dream it and it will be as real as the ground beneath their feet and the sun on their face.

There is a tangible kind of power in this way of life and though I've always known it in my head, today was the first time I have felt it in my soul.

So say what you will about my comic books and Magic cards. Poke fun at my Pokemon and my Star Wars obsession. Because while you sit and wonder what to do with your "real" life, I will be living a multitude of them.

Oh, and in most of my lives, I have a fucking lightsaber. So who's really coming out on top?

The Final Countdown....

And now you have that Europe song stuck in your head. You're welcome.

A day like today requires a dramatic, yet campy soundtrack, because It is the final day before Comic Con and the fate of Middle Earth stands balanced on the edge of a knife.....

Actually, all that's really happening is that I have to make it through a really rough day at work so I can be on vacation and I kinda don't want to, which is basically the same thing as carrying the ring into Mordor. And those damn eagles better be ready.

I got a cool new phone that not only allows me to better document my geekiness, but also make doing this on the go A LOT easier, so yay for technology, boo for work and may the force be ever in your favor, Harry.

Let's do this.

Saturday is a day for Awesome

Life is nuts, isn't it? After a crazy week full of grumpy ass Co-workers, ridiculous shifty weather and a roller coaster of emotions that the ride operator won't let me off of, it's officially the weekend and I couldn't be happier.

Started of with a double episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, followed by a quick trip to the store. Then a few episodes of Sunny and now I'm sitting here watching my wife and best friend shoot the hell out of some 12 year old korean girls on COD. Later we're going out for Chinese with my mom. So I'm in high spirits.

Things get crazy and life gives you stuff you're not sure you're completely capable of dealing with almost every day, but it's the little things, like morning sunshine, a huge breakfast or going ape shit on a bunch of people you've never met in a video game while the people you love laugh at you, it's those things that make all the usual bullshit worth it.

So to all of you who are having a rough time, look on the bright side. And if you can't do that, go blow some virtual shit up.

Learning is fun cuz the TV said so!

So, you all know me and you know I'm a gigantic nerd. It is because of that that I would like to give you now a list of important things I learned from movies, TV and comics.

Lesson 1: If you meet an old man in the desert, you should trust him immediately and go wherever he takes you. (Star Wars)

Lesson 2: If you find yourself in mortal danger, do the most reckless thing possible in the most reckless way possible. Not only will you always win, but you'll probably get the girl too. (Star Trek)

Lesson 3: If you're on a long trip, always make your best friend do all the hard stuff and tell them constantly how much you admire them. That way, you can take all the credit when you get back without feeling bad. (Lord of the Rings)

Lesson 4: Red eyes are bad. (Lord of the Rings/Battlestar Galactica/Terminator/Star Wars)

Lesson 5: When learning to master a new skill, never take it seriously at first and complain about it as much as possible. That way you will appreciate it more later. (Star Wars/Lord of the Rings/Star Trek/Highlander)

Lesson 6: Always underestimate nature. That way, when it bests you, you can be shocked. (Jurassic Park)

Lesson 7: If you have the opportunity to go back or forward in time, always meddle in the affairs of your ancestors/descendants. (Back to the future/Stargate/Star Trek/Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure)

Lesson 8: All negotiations must go as follows: Standoff, Bargaining, disgusted refusal, jump, end negotiations violently. (every action movie ever)

Well that's all for today kids. until next time!

Here I am, back again

Been awhile, hasn't it? I let the world swallow me into it's ceaselessly churning guts of everyday routine and run me through the intestines of monotony until recently, when I was fortunate enough to find the exit.....

Anyway, same things are going on, life is as liveable as always, though it is soon to be more so thanks to (drum roll please) THE FIRST ANNUAL SALT LAKE COMIC CON!!!

Three days of unadulterated nerdgasm, full to the brim with some of TV's top actors of the 60's-80's, the hottest B list celebrities and a gaggle of local talent that are sure to overcharge for everything they can.

It'll be like I died and went to a sweaty, over-opinionated heaven full of fat angels in terrible cosplay, and I am bursting the seams of my vintage starfleet unifom pants with anticipation.

Seriously, all terrifyingly graphic  metaphors aside, it's going to be great and I've been plugging it everywhere and everyway I can. If you get a chance and haven't yet, visit their website and check it out. It's coming soon so make haste!

I'm gonna try to keep up as best I can on here because I've really missed doing this, so stay tuned friends and neighbors. Who knows, I may even end up writing something worth reading on here someday ;)

Maybe.

- HC

Geeky Opinion/Rant Post

Okay, here it goes.

  I hate the geeks who go to a movie based on a comic book or video game and can't just roll with the punches. It has to be understood that these movies aren't really made for the die hard fans.

  They aren't made for the collectors or the fanboys or the cosplayers. They will never be made for the people like us who are actually really passionate and care about these characters and worlds that have been shaped for us, and by us, for many, many years.

  That being said, Iron Man 3 made me want to draw and quarter everyone involved with it.

  It's not because they made up an original story that isn't based on any comic book story; That's great.

  It's not because they added a ton of spectacle and flash; That has to be there to make an interesting movie.

  It isn't even because they took the one real opportunity they had to make an honest to God believable and interesting villain for Iron Man to fight in a movie and made him a completely juvenile joke.

 The reason that I had so much issue with this movie is the same reason I had issue with X-men Origins: Wolverine.

  They lead the hardcore fan base, like myself, to believe that maybe, this time at least, they are going to do something different and take an interesting and unusual character and use that character to it's full potential. They pick a great actor to play the character so that you are even more interested and excited. Then they show you the previews for a year with everything set up to make things look like they will be miraculously true to form.

  And then you go to the movie and the first half of it is amazing and you get wrapped up in it and the suspense starts to become unbearable.  And then, at that climactic moment, the people responsible for the great film you have been watching, decide to take a minute to laugh behind their hands and then there is a big FUCK YOU, NERDS!!!

  And that character that you have been so excited for takes a total 180 and turns into the whole reason why you will always and have always hated movie adaptations of anything.

  It's like if you were listening to your favorite band play a live show and they started to play your all time favorite song, that one that taps into all your best emotions and memories, and it's the best you've ever heard, until they hit the midway point in the song and stop, look at the audience and say, "Well, you idiots gave us your money already, so instead of finishing this song the way you love it, we're just gonna sing a few rounds of row, row, row your boat and piss in your face when we're done. Why? Mostly because fuck you, that's why."

  I don't begrudge Hollywood making money and I understand that the majority of people will really enjoy the movie. It's a fun, action filled escape from real life and I don't think anyone is stupid or foolish for liking it and  having a good time.

  I do however hate the idea they have that people are incapable of adapting to a different concept and enjoying it. Then again, I suppose that's what we have demonstrated in the past.

  Hell, look at the success of Avatar. There has never been a more blatant rip off of someone else's work than that movie. But it made a tone of money. Not because the story was interesting or the acting was good or even because the writing was adequate; It wasn't.

It made a ton of money because it was shiny and had pretty colors.

Oh well. I'm done now. Sorry to anyone who actually read this. i just had to complain and it seemed the best place to do it was on here. Don't want to ruin anyone's fun.

-HC

IT'S HAPPY FUN-TIME LEARNING FOR KNOWLEDGE POST!!!

Ladies and Gentelmen, I believe it's time for me to learn your brains some knowledge!!

  I'm sure most all of you know about Dragons. And if you don't, I suggest you learn about them right now because you cannot possibly be living a full and happy life without knowing of the awesomeness of these "Mythical" creatures.

  There are all different kinds of dragons.  Here are a few we see all the time;

The European Dragon

 
This is your standard, four limbed, wing havin' dragon. Usually breaths fire, or ice or some other basic elemental business on unsuspecting villagers. It also seems to have a preference for hoarding loot and taking hostages, especially blonde princesses.

The Chinese Dragon


Dragons got a much better rap in the orient than in Europe. They are usually associated with luck or creation stories and as you can see above they ignore the physics of the real world and fly around without wings. Don't ask me how, all I know is that when you collect their balls you get wishes.

The Komodo Dragon



I'm pretty sure these are fake. Someone tried to tell me there was one at the zoo one time, and I was like "YOU CAN'T CAGE A DRAGON, SUCKA!!" and then I hit him with my car. The court date is set, but I'm pretty sure the jury will agree he deserved it for lying.


Now, here are a few lesser known dragons.


Mr. Dragon



You may have guessed this, but this dragon is a unique master of the ancient art of Japanese chip making.

SpaceX Dragon

 

Dragon is a partially reusable spacecraft developed by SpaceX, an American private space transportation company based in Hawthorne, California.  Dragon is launched into space by the SpaceX Falcon 9 two-stage-to-orbit launch vehicle, and is capable of both manned and robotic operation.
Also, it's totally badass.

Double Dragon



The only dragon known to exist as two seperate entities, it generally takes the form of two white guys in stupid costumes. It travels through the back alleys and seedier areas of major american cities beating up criminals and doing battle with supernaturally powered karate students or futuristic mega corporations......for some reason. Also the only dragon that occasionally has awesome glowing swords. (Pictured Above)

And finally,

HAPPY FUN-TIME LEARNING FOR KNOWLEDGE Dragon

It seems that simply by writing this blog post, a new species of dragon has been created AND IT'S AMAZING!!!

Well, that's it. You now have all the knowledge you will ever need to do..... something.

Something that involves dragons.

YAY LEARNING!!!

Here's one for a dreary day...

Howdy again, folks.

I don't feel very much like being funny today (don't worry, it's just a phase), so I think I'm just gonna post something I have been avoiding. It's about time for it anyway and I haven't posted in far too long.

I think this is the best thing I've written so far. Feel free to criticize and all that if you feel the need. I always appreciate it.


                   'Coca Cola and the Conscious Mind"

As I sit alone one day,
A Coca Cola rolls my way,
And in the label, old and frayed,
I see a life unfold.

This life began as all must do,
With molding of it's body new,
In infancy, so clear and true,
If slightly tinted by the maker.

Then adolescence comes at last,
And suddenly the tinted glass
Is filled and darkened all too fast
By the brackish mire of sin.

Now our hero comes of age,
Clad, red and white, it turns the page
And out it goes to earn it's wage,
To stagnate with all the others.

So after such a life as this,
It's lifted high aloft, and bliss,
All darkness cleared by lover's kiss,
It dies alone with purpose.

And as I sit alone one day,
And watch the bottle roll away,
I think upon that little play,
And suddenly, I'm thirsty.

A response

In light of the recent discussion about equal rights and Gay marriage, I'd like to show my support for the one side of the argument that needs it the most.

So here's to all of you people, both gay and straight, who have better things to do than bitch and moan all day. God bless you.

This is a song about a great folk hero.

(by the way, if you don't have a sense of humor, you may want to avoid this video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-TtfMLGnok

The Posting II: The Sequal

So, it's been quite the day. A little rainy, a little cold, a whole hell of a lot of boring, but things could be worse.

Anyway, in an attempt to not only garner some support and new followers in this business, I'm putting out this bulletin:


                                                      WANTED!

   Random thoughts, subjects and/or 
  topics of interest to YOU! Yes, YOU!

Yes that's right, now you can, if you so choose, dictate the course and content of my future posts! Sure, I'll still be doing my usual ridiculous nonsense that comes to my head at any given moment, but I would also like to hear anything that you would like me to comment on, ponder out loud or go off on a maddening tangent about!

Anyone's idea is eligible for consideration, provided that:

A.) I find it interesting or potentially awesome

and

B.) You are aware that I will most likely turn it into an amusing, sarcastic and slightly mocking post for the whole of the internet to read.

So, if your interested, comment on this post, my Facebook page or any future posts with your ideas or gripes or whatnot and help me help you to help you help me.

Thanks to those who keep reading my blog and for those of you who don't or have never read it, you know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

- Hippo C

Blogging from the comfort of my lofty castle...

Well, it's official. I now have the internet in my home.

I understand that for many this seems like a small thing, but it means alot to me because I haven't had the internet readily available too me since I was a kid.

No more will I have to be excited to go to someone's house just because I can leech their internet, nor will I ever again have to degrade myself by mingling with the peasants at the "Library".

And most importantly, now I am able to sit on my couch and use my computer to write my ridiculous blog posts for you to read, and that means more posting, more often! I know that all one of you are really excited about that!

So there you have it. I have easier access to the internets, so you have more readily available access to the workings of my mind. That makes me happy and so, under pain of death, it also makes you happy.

To all who read this, Have an exceedingly pleasant day and don't forget to eat your vegetables and wash behind your ears. Oh, and stop playing ball in the house! Don't you use that tone of voice with me! You just wait until your father gets home!

- Hippo C

Haven't done this for awhile....

Well, well. Fancy meeting you here.

I wish I could say life has been crazy or that I've had some major breakthrough that's kept me from writing on here, but alas, I simply haven't had the drive.

There are alot of people I know who write inspirational things or talk about their lives and feelings in their blog and it would be very easy for me to do something like that, but I don't want to. Mostly because, in my experience, people really don't give much of a shit. So instead I'll stick to my theme of weirdness.

I've started a running theme of tips and tricks I like to call ”Adventuring 101”. Here's a new one.

If ever you find yourself battling a supernatural creature, such as a blood swamp fellbeast or a hellfire spewing, vampiric marmoset, remember they all have one glaringly obvious weakness. A glinting crystal eye perhaps or a second randomly flailing head that occasionally stops to spit acid at you. Things to remember.

Well, I dropped the ball on that one....

So I kinda blew week 2 of my black history month celebration, but hey, it was Valentines Day week and I had to exhaust what little wits I have just trying to earn points with my wife.

 And so it leaves me with a quandary. Do I ramp up the whole thing a present you with a double shot for the week, or just say to hell with it and dump the project all together.....

 Perhaps I'll have decided by tomorrow. Until then, I leave you with this important message for the day:

I'm learning to hate vegetables

So, as it turns out, going from a diet of primarily meat to cutting out every thing except eggs and cheese kinda sucks.

I'd like to start by saying I have absolutely nothing against eating things with faces. They taste wonderful and I'm smarter than they are, so they deserve it. I'm just tired of being fat and unhealthy.

That being said, this vegetarian diet thing is turning out to be a great way to cut down portion sizes, calories and awkward stare-downs with people at the meat wall in Walmart. That bitch knew I was going for that steak.....

Anyway, it's really not all that bad considering the options that are out there now. It shortens the search time on menus at  restaurants significantly. And it has a very humbling effect.

Have you ever known the pain of having to discard the ham from an egg Mcmuffin? It's like being forced to keep eye contact while you strangle a kitten.

I think this it's going to work for me.

Welcome to February, Sucka!

Well, to those of you who don't have a calendar, it's February. The month of love, appreciation of Presidents, thanking your mail carrier and the blackest of history.

 In honor of that last part, I'm going to be devoting one post a week to some of the most influential and inspiring black people of all time. I'm sure some of you will disagree with me and this will just be my opinion, but as it turns out, that's all that matters here, so too bad for you.

Let's begin with someone who has made my life much more enjoyable.

                                                                        MR. T

 Some people may think that he is just a washed up tough guy from the 80's who no one has taken seriously since Rocky III. And those people are assholes. There is so much more to this T than people believe.

Without Mr. T's compassion and intense pity for fools, many of us would never know just how may fools are out there to be pitied. Other humanitarian efforts include a long roster of public service announcements across many different mediums, that stress the importance of things like drinking milk, not doing drugs and looking both ways when crossing the street.

His constant crusading against things like excessive "Jibba Jabba" and "Suckas" are a testament to his dedication and perseverance and make him a shining beacon of the black community. He clearly has a solid grasp of economics, as he puts his money into gold and depends only on himself and not unreliable banks to protect his assets.

In summation, I pity any fools who don't appreciate this great man.

Plus, he had his own damn cereal. You don't just get your own damn cereal for nothin', suckas!

I'm a socially inept butterfly!

What have I become?

I have this blog that I really enjoy, I've got the Facebook goin' on and now I've joined the twitter.

This is the kind of thing that happens when you give an introvert the ability to bypass social norms. He tries to shove his opinions and sense of humor down everyone's throat as much as possible.

Luckily I'm not like that.... HA!

Anyway, I decided I don't wanna bitch about the weather today, because that's been done to death. I'm pretty sure I don't want to complain about work either. So Instead of complaining, here's a list of fun things to do.

1.) Start a midget sled team. Their stride may be short, but they have stamina.
2.) Go to a fast food resturaunt, order the biggest, calorie laden meal possible, then make fun of the person at the window for being fat.
3.) Go to a bank and take hostages..... on a field trip. Bowling or mini golf is always a big hit.
4.) Donate blood. Then, 30 minutes after you're done, go back to the blood bank and tell them you're having second thoughts and want it back.
5.) Build a paper mache pipe bomb filled with confetti. The bomb squad will appreciate your sense of humor.
6.) Start an Asian specific tour group with a "No Photography" Policy.
7.) Go to hot topic and ask if they have anything in black.
8.) Open a bed and breakfast that only serves lunch and very loosely interprets it's "beds".
9.) Dress up like Slenderman and feed the ducks at your local park.
10.) Finally, Climb a clock tower and go on a shooting spree with a nerf gun and bottle rockets.

Enjoy your day and don't forget to act stupid.

Nostaligia is fun

Watch "Child of the 90s | Internet Explorer" on YouTube

Of course I remember you, Internet Explorer. I left Netscape Navigator for you. You were so rad, It felt like we would be together forever.

But look at you now. Your all slow and tempermental, and you mock me everywhere I go. You've changed.

I went out with a fox for a little while, but she let me down, so I'm moving on to a shiny new browser with a foreign sounding name.

I just didn't want to sneak around behind your back anymore. You deserve at least that after all these years.

-Mada

Progress and Cheese

In keeping with my previous statement of attempting to be more consistent with my blogging and in an effort to make this thing even more ridiculous and spectacular, I realize I am going to need to add some more interesting crap.

 So I am going to attempt to do some reviews, bring in more Gentelman Shark and things of that nature, and find as many odd things as I can to relate to you. And it begins right now.

                 STOP THE PRESSES!! 

               NORWAY CHEESE FIRE SHUTS DOWN ROAD TUNNEL

OSLO, Norway (AP) - A road tunnel in Norway will be shut for several weeks after a 27-ton truckload of sweet goats milk cheese caught fire.

Regional traffic department chief Geir Jorgensen says flames engulfed the tunnel last week and gases from the melting, brown load hindered firefighters. It took four days to put it out.

The driver was not hurt and no other vehicles were in the 3.6-kilometer (2.2-mile) tunnel at the time.

Joergensen said Wednesday that the tunnel near the small Arctic municipality of Tysfjord, some 1,350 kilometers (840 miles) north of the capital, Oslo, likely will be closed for two more weeks.

Goat's milk cheese, a sweet delicacy with a high sugar and fat content, is an essential part of many Norwegians' daily diet.


  Now, I'm not sure which part of this story is funnier. The fact that these poor rural Norwegians will have to smell burnt cheese in that tunnel for years to come or that the person who reported this for AP actually used the phrase "gases from the melting, brown load hindered firefighters."

Truer words were never written

I had to spread this around to blogger, because his is the model I strive to emulate. It's always good to have unattainable goals

Being sick on a Monday....

.... Is like putting arsenic in  cyanide, because it not quite deadly enough.

  Yeah, It's no good. I'm in surprisingly good spirits though, despite all the crap. Could be because I have a few  things to look forward to this week. I have a new book I'm excited to start reading and some new ideas on how to restructure my book to make it more readable.

  I'm still trying to figure out who the antagonist of my story is supposed to be though. I have an idea of his/her abilities, but no real feeling for the character itself. It's hard for me to pin it down in my mind and that has been one of the biggest roadblocks to the progress of my story. By the way, the preface of the story I am referring was posted earlier in this blog ( This will take you there ) so you can get the general idea of what I'm writing if you want, though I imagine even that is going to change quite a bit after my restructuring. The idea will remain the same, however.

  Anyway, I just need to keep plugging on through both my Monday and my story or nothing will get done I suppose, so stop distracting me and go back to whatever you're all supposed to be doing! Don't you have anything better to do?!

-HC

Alright, lets get serious

Nah, I'm just screwin' with ya. I'm gonna keep doin the same crazy crap as I did before, but just more of it.

Anyway, it's a New Year and that, of course, means a whole bunch of new crap happening and at least two months of scratching out that last 2 of 2012 on everything you write.

First big news for me this year is A Memory of Light, the last book in the Wheel of Time series comes out tomorrow. Very big deal for a geeky fellow such as myself.

Also though there is a series of ebooks launching this month that covers all 11 Doctors from Doctor Who. I'm interested to see what they are like as well. They will be written by childrens book authors, and while that doesn't mean they are going to suck or anything, it still makes me a bit wary.

Well, not too bad a post to get the year started. More to come, you can be certain.

-HC

This is all I have at the moment

But it's so true!